


Of mutants and humans

by fowo



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018)
Genre: Drabble Collection, Family Feels, Found Family, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2020-12-16 01:42:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21028193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fowo/pseuds/fowo
Summary: Note: Previously called "Slice of Pizza"Vignettes of the Rise fam, little bits in-between.Ch01: April & SplinterCh02: Leo & MikeyCh03: Raph & April (re: Bug Buster)Ch04: Raph & Mikey (re: Todd Scouts)Ch05: Donnie & Raph (re: Many Unhappy Returns)





	1. Sleeping Beauties

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many feelings for these kids and so much to say. I'm working on a longer TMNT fic currently that I'm giving preference over this, but whenever I finish a drabble in between, it'll go here. Several of these are already started but I can't make promises.
> 
> Until then, have these short things.

The moment April stepped into the lair, she remembered. 

She'd known the turtles—her best friends, her fam—for a little over a year now, so she'd been through this once before, but it had slipped her mind. 

But now she stood in the atrium, alone without being greeted, the cement around her suddenly so cold and unwelcoming, and remembered. Her breath was forming little clouds around her mouth and nose. It was late November. She wore a hat and gloves. The lair was dark although there was still a little bit of daylight topside.

"Guys?" she called regardless, holding on to a bit of hope that she wouldn't be alone for the next four months or so. 

Nobody answered her. April sniffed, stowing her hands in the pockets of her coat. Time to go back home, then... 

"April?" said a voice somewhere above her, and her heart jumped a bit, but with joy. Splinter looked down to her from between the shoji to his room. "Ah, I thought that was you. I'm sorry, the boys are already asleep. But you look cold; come on up, I just brewed some jasmine tea."

"Man," said April, climbing up a steel ladder to the second storey. "I didn't realize it was this late already."

"They really tried to hold on for you," Splinter said with a soft chuckle. "But Orange got so stiff he fell over and Blue and Purple wanted to shake him back awake and just slumped over and fell asleep on him. Red picked them up and threw them down on a mattress and they've been out cold since then."

"I get it," said April with a sigh. "I'd totally hibernate too if I could."

"It gets a bit quiet," said Splinter, letting her into his room and sliding the door shut behind her again. His bedroom was warmer than the lair, the lights were dim, and just beside his futon was a mountain of pillows and blankets and somewhere between, April could just so glimpse four unconscious turtles. 

"Sit," said Splinter, and because there was nowhere else to sit, she sat down on his futon, and accepted the chipped cup of tea he put in her hands. The warmth seeped through her gloves and she blew gently on it, enjoying the steam billowing against her face. Splinter sat beside her with his own cup, looking at the giant turtle pillow fort. 

"I'm gonna miss them," said April. "This sucks."

"I'll let you know if one of them wakes," Splinter offered, and April nodded thankfully. It was so easy to forget—how lonely she was without her bros. How lonely she had been before she'd met them, one fateful night, through a freak accident. 

She sighed, blowing steam away. Splinter gently patted her back. April took a careful first sip. The tea was warm and mild and a little sweet. April didn't even like tea very much, but nobody could brew tea like Splinter could. It was always perfect. 

"And they really do this every year?" she asked sullenly, and maybe a bit hopeful that she wouldn't have to go through this again in the future. 

"Unfortunately, yes," said Splinter, and April deflated a little again. "But it seems to me like they stay up for longer as they grow older. When they were still little, they slept for half a year easily. It was terrifying the first time it happened." Splinter laughed, but April wondered if that nonchalant story didn't hide something that went deep. 

Even with no friends, at least April had her Mom to come home to. Splinter and the boys were mutants in the sewers under New York. When the boys _slept_ for half a year... Splinter was _alone_ for half a year.

"Is it okay if I come by every now and again?" she asked. "Just... for the company."

"Of course, April," Splinter said with a smile. "You're always welcome here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing I didn't expect to happen: Splinter and April having so much 1:1 screen time in Shadow of Evil. And she's apparently just hanging around the lair even without the boys there? Amazing. 
> 
> One thing I expected to happen: Me writing about weird turtley-xeno things. Like hibernation! Probably won't be the last time that happened.


	2. Growing Up

"Da_aa_ad!" Mikey yelled, like anything short of a power outage interrupting his shows would get Splinter out of his easy chair. 

Didn't help the situation much that topside, the sun was already creeping up the horizon; making it late for their little mutant family, and Mikey's brothers had already retreated into their rooms to sleep. (Except for Donnie probably, who, as far as everyone else knew, had already found a way to skip sleep altogether.)

Basically, nothing happened. Mikey sniffed a little, waited a moment longer, and then took a deep breath to try again. He didn't get far though, because across the atrium, Leonardo kicked his curtain aside. 

"Sweet Pizza Supreme in the sky, what's _wrong_, Mikey?" he asked, squinting at his little brother from under his sleep cap. "You got any idea how late it is? I need my beauty sleep, or do you want me to end up looking like _Don_?"

Mikey sniffed again and raised what he was holding for Leo to see. "I need a new sleeping shirt," he said, sounding more miserable about it than Leo thought was necessary. 

But that was Mikey for you. 

"What's wrong with that one?" Leo asked as he walked over, swinging an easy arm around Mike's shoulder to tug him against his side. He took the shirt with the other hand to inspect it. It was well-worn, but he couldn't see anything wrong with it on first glance. Besides being orange, maybe. But that was Mikey's favorite color, so it was fine. The color was faded, too; and in a not perfectly thought-through spur of creativity, Mikey had taken a marker to it and doodled all over it. Quotes, emojis and art, his little brother's shirt was a testament of his personality. It was a good shirt.

Mikey stared at the floor. "It doesn't fit anymore," he muttered. 

"Huh," said Leo, and took the shirt in both hands to hold it up in front of Mikey. Even like this, is was barely wide enough to go to his shoulders, and that was not taking his shell into account. They all easily went up a size in clothes just because of that, and trying to fit Raph into anything was a _quest_. 

"Another growth spurt?" Leo asked, lowering the shirt. Mikey kind of shrugged and nodded at the same time, sniffing a bit. Leo chuckled. "Man, the way you've been shooting up lately you'll be taller than Don in no time," he said, as if he wasn't afraid that his basically-twin would someday outgrow him. Being the younger of the two, it was incredibly important to Leo to be taller. 

Mikey looked like he thought exactly the opposite. "But I don't wanna grow up," he said. "You're not allowed to draw anymore, or play with toys, or build pillow forts."

"What? Who told you that? That's hot steaming garbage, Mikey. Raph still builds pillow forts with you, right? And we play games all the time!"

Mikey nodded miserably. He didn't look like he believed Leo much. 

Leo frowned. Mikey being sad was just about the worst thing ever. 

"C'mere," he said, tugging Mikey along. Mikey didn't fight him, but also displayed much less enthusiasm than Leo liked to see. It felt a bit like having your insides scrambled with a big spoon. 

Leo pushed the curtain to his room aside and Mikey stepped over the threshold, but instead of vaulting himself onto Leo's mattress like he liked to do, he just stood there, still holding his shirt and looking sullen. 

Leo opened the drawer of his tiny dresser that held the few clothes he owned. It wasn't much—PJs, a few shirts, a a few shorts. He considered each piece and then, at the bottom, found something that made him light up. He grabbed the worn, old shirt and turned around. 

"Try this!" he said. "This should fit."

"Huh?" Mikey's expression finally eased from a frown into open surprise. He came closer to grab the shirt. It was in a similar state like his own; worn and faded and old. It had a couple of holes in the back, in three vertical rows. It was red.

"It's a hand-me-down from Raph," said Leo casually. "He gave it to me when I outgrew some of my stuff."

"Huh?" said Mikey again, now looking at Leo. 

"Yeah when we were like, I dunno, ten or so." Leo remembered it well. They had less stuff back then, back before they'd gone topside regularly to look for stuff. Sharing had been essential back then, and though they got by much better these days, it was still ingrained into their systems. "And I only had that one shirt to sleep in and I outgrew it and Raph gave me this because it wouldn't fit him anymore. I mean look how tiny it is."

It wasn't tiny, it looked pretty normal. Like it would fit Mikey just fine. Then again, Raph was pretty big now. And he'd fit into this once? Crazy to think that. 

Skeptically, Mikey slid it over. Raph's bulk had stretched the seams so it fit just fine. There already was a comfortable bulge for the shell that new clothes didn't have. It was always a hassle to break new stuff in for their forms. 

Mikey rubbed his fingers over the worn out print at the front. "Thanks," he said softly. 

Leo regarded him a moment. "Feel better?" he asked.

Mikey didn't look at him but the way he pushed out his lower lip said a lot. 

Leo couldn't help but smile a little. "Hey," he said, and drew in Mikey for a hug. "You'll always be our little bro, no matter how old we get." He squeezed tightly around Mikey's shell. "I'm sure when we're a super turtly 150 years old we'll still ask you if you want the kid's menu and you'll be super annoyed because you're like, 149."

"The kid's menu comes with a toy, Leo," Mikey said without inflection. "I'd never get annoyed over that."

"Exactly my point." Leo drew back to look at his baby brother. "Some things change, and we can't change that. But that doesn't mean that we change. We'll always be us. Raph will be a big oaf and Donnie will be mad and you'll be the little brother."

Mikey sniffed a little. "What about you?" he asked.

Leo booped his snoot playfully. "I'll look after you," he said with a wink. 

And Mikey smiled again. 


	3. Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's a secret: Raph is my favorite. And Bug Busters punched me right in the feels back in the day, you know? 
> 
> This has been sitting in my drafts for forever and while it's one of my favorites, I think it'd need more work. But I really just want to move on. So enjoy!

April finished writing the last sentence of her English homework. She leaned back with a sigh as she saved the document and closed the window to turn off her computer. It was almost eleven; a little late for a school night maybe, but her job had her do overtime again. ("Anything to keep a job in this market," Donnie used to say, like he _ knew _ anything about it.)

April was ready to get into her pajamas and crash into bed for the next seven hours. ("That's too little for a human teenager," Donnie used to say, like she could _ do _ anything about that.)

When she heard someone rapping on her window, she let out a soft exhale. She'd have to turn them down. No adventures tonight. Even April O'-fucking-Neil had her limits after a day like this.

She turned around, opened the blinds and was surprised to see—only Raph. None of the other brothers seemed present. April hefted the window open. 

"Hey big Red," she said tenderly. As beat as she was, seeing a friendly face after a day like this was incredibly comforting. Between school and work, people weren't exactly great to her. 

"Hey Ape," said Raph, and started to squeeze himself through the window. April grabbed his arm, trying to help him through. He was getting too big to fit. The wood already had several scuff marks and notches from his spikes. The prospect of having to tell him that he couldn't come in anymore frightened her enough to not mention a thing. 

"Where'd you leave the good, the bad and the blue?" April asked, giving him a friendly clap to the arm when he finally tumbled onto her carpet. 

"Yeah they're uh," Raph said, rubbing his neck, "back at the lair, watching movies."

"You ditched _ movie night_?" April asked incredulously. "Raph, what's wrong?"

Raph looked like she'd caught him with his hand in the cookie jar at midnight. "Nothing's wrong, what would make you say that?"

She frowned at him. "Uh, the fact that you're not King Kong-carrying me out of here to join you, and instead sit on my carpet like the biggest saddest puppy I've ever seen!"

"No, I just—" Raph poked his fingers together like he did when he was about to apologize or confess to something. April realized in that moment that he looked a little more beat up than usual. More band-aids plastered over his skin and plastron, and the first dark shadows of bruises on his arms and legs. 

Above that, he looked _ shaken_.

She gently took his arm and made him sit on the couch. Because he took up both cushions, she settled next to him on the arm rest. It put them more or less on the same height.

"Raph," she said gently, rubbing her hand over his giant shoulder comfortingly, "talk to me."

Raph stared at her, but then remembered that everyone always told him to take a deep breath. He closed his eyes and breathed for a moment. April just sat with him. 

Eventually, Raph opened his eyes again, but he stared vacantly at his hands. "We had a really big fight today," he said, in a voice that was too small for him. "And Baron Draxum showed up."

"The sheep guy?" April asked, alarm creeping into her voice. 

Raph nodded solemnly. "Leo and I—we, we faced him, and he... I thought he was bluffing and he wasn't, and he threw Leo off the roof and it was like, a _ skyscraper_—"

"He what?!" April felt her face fall. "Is Leo okay?!"

Raph winced, drawing his head between his shoulders like he wanted to pop it into his shell like his brothers did when _ they _ were scared. "Yeah! Yeah, don't worry, I... Uh, I saved him? I don't... I don't really know how, I just jumped after him—"

April grabbed her head. "You _ jumped after him_? Off a _ skyscraper_?!"

"—and I _ caught _ him and somehow we didn't end up street pizza, but..." Raph was covering his face now. "April, it was my fault. What if I didn't catch him in time?"

April was freaking out a little now too, but she knew that Raph needed her right now, so she shook her head as if to dispel her own panic. She grabbed his shoulder, giving him a squeeze and a gentle shake that didn't even nudge him. "Whoa whoa," she said hurriedly. "Slow down. Remember your deep breaths? Breathe, Raph."

Thankfully, he had enough experience with his own emotions that he immediately did, he closed his eyes and shuddered a breath, then two. April rubbed her hand over Raph's back, between the spikes, using her fingernails to scrape between the scutes like she knew Raph liked best. He was shaking now, but his breathing calmed a little, and April figured it was mostly tension leaving him. 

Raph heaved a big exhale. "He could have died!" he said. It sounded like he wanted to yell it, to vent his frustration, but all that came out was a whisper. It wasn't a very Raph thing to do. 

April smiled to hide a grimace. "But he didn't. You _ saved _ him!"

He stared at her. "I _ messed up _ is what I did. These guys are a completely different level than us. Draxum is bad, he's like... actually a villain, and not in the way we thought would be so cool to beat. He's _ evil_."

"Well," said April, carefully picking her words. "It was a close call, but now you know to be more careful."

"This shit is stressing me the fuck out," Raph wailed, miserably and upset, and it was so scarce for him to curse. "I don't know if I can do this, April. I don't know if I can protect them all. Donnie gets himself into trouble _ constantly _ just because he's insane, Leo thinks he has shit to prove and Mikey is still so small. I can't protect all of them all the time."

"Raph... It's not your job—"

"But it is! It's the _ only _ thing I can do, getting punched so they don't. I'm not good at anything else."

His eyes were wide with stress and shiny with tears now. He was always quick to cry, getting overwhelmed with emotions both good and bad, but April didn't hesitate. 

She climbed into Raph's lap and reached around his neck to hug him, and he engulfed her in his massive arms and held her, tightly but carefully, and wept into her shoulder. 

Hugging Raph was like hugging a tree, or getting _ hugged _ by a tree; he was big and his plastron was thick keratin that wasn't comfortable. At the same time, he was so gentle and warm. The boys were cold-blooded but human lifestyle made it easier for them to collect and hold warmth; through spicy ramen and clothes and turtle piles and basking. So what if he was a big mutant turtle: Being in Raph's arms always felt like the safest place on earth. It was so easy to let him carry all the responsibility, to let him be the protector and leader and big brother. 

And it was so easy, too, to forget that he he wasn't good at handling the fallout. 

She rocked him gently, shushing comforting nothings into the dark space between them. 

Raph cried for a while, saying nothing and only holding on to her. Eventually, he stopped shaking. April leaned back a little to look at his face and check up on him. He looked miserable, face wet and puffy, and his nose was running. Carefully, she slipped the cried-through bandanna from his head, and leaned over to grab tissues and wipe him clean. 

He sniffled and let her.

Raph was such a big softie. Nobody ever doted on him like he deserved. If it triggered some weird maternal impulse in April, so be it. 

"You're OK, Raph," she told him, chucking the used tissues to the floor. "Have you considered telling Splints?"

"Are you crazy?" Raph muttered. He sounded congested, and sniffed again. "He'd kill us and then ground us for a thousand years."

She chuckled a little, but it was probably true. Splinter tried his best, bless him, but keeping four boys as crazy as his in check clearly overwhelmed him a good deal, too. 

"Talk to Leo," she said next, and Raph made a face.

"You know how Leo is about emotions and being serious and stuff," he said. "He'll get nervous and bail."

"Yeah well, Leo needs to get over himself," April insisted. Leo was as much a goofball as Mikey sometimes, but she knew there was a lot of very mature thoughts running through his head. It was just that it scared him, and he thought it wasn't his job, so he pretended like everything was fine. "If fighting these guys is as much of a game changer as you say, he'll have to step up. And I'm pretty sure your brothers would agree that if a stunt like this leaves you crying and stressed out, you gotta talk about it. Leo needs to know you can't handle this, otherwise he will keep pushing you and eventually, you'll break."

That opened the floodgates again and Raph buried his face in his hands for another round of crying. April sat on his lap and gently held him with one arm around his middle. 

"Raph," she tried again after a while. "You can't protect your brothers if you shelter them from your own feelings at the same time, you know? Be honest. They'll understand. I'm pretty sure Leo doesn't even realize what he's put you through."

"Yeah he was being a bit of a douche about it," said Raph softly. "Draxum throws him off the roof and as he's falling he's needling me about how he was right about it."

"What, really?" April asked, half laughing and half exasperated. "The nerve."

"I know, right?" Raph laughed a little too, tension draining from his body. "He's such a pain in my shell sometimes, but I love him."

"I know." She hugged him again, and he nuzzled his face into hers. 

"Thanks, April," he said softly. "You're the best friend. I love you, too, you know?"

"I do," she said. "And I, you. I'm glad you came to me to talk. But now you gotta go talk to Leo. Grab Dee and Mikey for moral support. I think if Mikey even had an idea of how bad you've been feeling, he'll never let you go for the rest of the night."

"Probably," said Raph with half a smile. 

April wiped his tears a last time, and handed him his bandanna, and he hugged her again before he left. 

What were a few scuff marks on her window frame. This was more important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh yeah hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/fowo__) i yell about teetles 24/7 and posts art and writing WIPS


	4. Henshin!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set directly after Todd Scouts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in one week? I'm amazed at myself.

Mikey stalked behind Raph, tiptoeing through the underbrush. "I feel super bad, this is like stealing candy from a baby!" he yell-whispered.

"Shut up," Raph growled. He was nothing but a big hulking shadow in the darkness. "It's not stealing when he'd give it to me willingly anyway."

"Then why didn't you ask?" hissed Mikey.

Raph turned around so quickly that Mikey ran into his big brother. "Dammit Mikey, I swear," said Raph, glowering down at him and jabbing a finger into his plastron warningly. "One more word and you're out!" 

"Gnargh," said Mikey, looking guilty. But he nodded, and did the universal sign of zipping his mouth shut. Raph nodded and turned around again.

They walked for a little longer through The Woods, and Mikey had to run and hop to keep up with Raph. 

"Are you sure we're safe?" he asked. "Those dentists kinda gave me the creeps, man."

"How many crazy dentists do you think you're gonna meet, statistically, in one day?" asked Raph back. 

Mikey thought about it. "You're probably right, I think that was our quota for this year," he concluded, like running into crazy people wasn't their normal day to day life now. 

"Don't you think we're far enough?" Mikey asked, a little pleadingly. Even with Raph there, the woods at night were scary. With or without crazy doctors. 

Raph stopped walking and looked around. "I guess this works," he said and nodded. Mikey hopped up to him, and up on him, immediately. 

"Do it do it do it," he cheered, pumping his fists. "Do it do it do it!"

"Alright, jeez," said Raph, fondly exasperated, and rotated his shoulder so Mikey was jostled and had to wobble to keep his balance, squealing in delight. 

From his belt, Raph picked a flask. A sticker of Todd's face was on it. Raph unscrewed the cap and gave the contents a sniff. Mikey held his breath. 

It smelled sweet. A bit sour. Like lemonade usually did. Nothing surprising here. A peek into the flask revealed nothing. 

"You think it's laced with Ooze or something?" Raph asked, failing entirely to conceal his excitement. 

"No way," said Mikey, sounding a bit unsure. "You know he's like the nicest guy on earth."

"Yeah and then he went and did that," said Raph, glossy eyed. "Have you seen his pecs? Gosh."

"I dunno if that's gonna fly, bro," said Mikey, teasingly rapping his knuckles against Raph's pectoral scutes. Raph shooed him because the vibration tickled. 

"Okay Imma do it!" he said, lifting the flask up. "Bottoms up!"

"Raph, Raph, Raph!" Mikey cheered watching intently from his perch on Raph's shell. 

Raph chugged the entire bottle. The lemonade was fantastic: Sweet but not sugary, a little tart as well, maybe with a hint of basil? No wonder it was famous!

Raph wiped his mouth and blinked. 

"How're ya feeling?" asked Mikey excitedly, poking his cheek. 

Raph burped, making Mikey jump away with a shriek. 

Nothing else happened. 

"Huh," said Raph, looking a little disappointed. "Maybe it doesn't work on turtles?"

"Aww," said Mikey, coming closer again. "That sucks. Don't be sad, you're pretty buff already!"

Raph let out a big, disappointed sigh. "Man," he said. "I really wanted to have a cool transformation too."

"Raph," said Mikey, wrapping his arms around Raph's neck and squishing their cheeks together. "You already do the Power Smash, and that's pretty cool too."

"Thanks, Mikey," said Raph, smiling a little. It's true, he could do some amazing stuff now, and that was something! "Let's head back before someone notices," he says, and Mikey clambered up on him again to reclaim his perch on top of him, easily being carried. 

Halfway back to camp (sheltered and near water!), Raph stopped. 

"What's up?" asked Mikey. "Do you feeling something? Is it just late or whatever?"

"I definitely feel _something_," said Raph uncomfortably. He grabbed Mikey and set him down a little roughly and bolted for some bushes. 

"Raph!" Mikey yelled, starting after him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing Mikey, stop following me!" yelled Raph. "I just really gotta pee!"


	5. It's one of the seven sins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Donnie angst seems to be a fandom favorite. i don't exactly get it, but I do find it very interesting how Rise changes his dynamics with his brothers -- especially previously unchecked, angry Raph. so. here's my take.
> 
> set directly after "Many Unhappy Returns"

Donnie had been holed up in his lab constantly since... Well. Since he lost his life's work in under three seconds against Shredder. Since he escaped being ripped apart just barely. 

They'd all tried to get through to him, but Donnie wasn't exactly easy to work with when it came to sharing his feelings. And yeah, physically he had been fine, nothing worse than a few bruises, nothing worse than _ Raph _ who had been vaulted at high speed through several steel containers. But, in his words, Raph took damage "like a boss," so he took pride in his ability to tank through everything. 

Donnie was another level of stubborn.

On the third day of not coming out for dinner, Raph took it upon himself to talk to Donnie, or at least talk _ at _ him. 

The lab was dark. Donnie was sitting in his desk chair, shell towards him. He was tinkering with something Raph couldn't see. If he heard Raph approach, he didn't acknowledge him. 

"Hey, buddy," Raph said softly and tried very hard not to resort to baby talk because his brothers, all three of them, _ hated _ it when he did that. "Brought you some pizza... It's your favorite."

"Not hungry," said Don. At least he was talking. 

"I get that," said Raph carefully, slowly approaching. Dee didn't throw him out immediately. That too was progress. "But you haven't eaten properly in days. At least try a slice?" 

"Maybe later," said Donnie. His voice was completely flat, there was not even a hint of his usual theatrics. "Just leave it there."

Raph, pizza box in one hand and glass of soda in the other, remained standing where he was. "I'm gonna stay and wait until you eat, Dee," he said, utterly resolved to do so.

"If it amuses you," muttered Donnie. He reached for a different tool on his desk and kept working, not spending Raph even a glance. 

Raph carefully put the food down on one corner of Donnie's desk, just at the edge of his peripheral vision. Donnie pretended not to notice, but Raph saw his eyes twitch toward him, annoyed. 

"Donnie," Raph started carefully. "I know I'm not as smart as you, but I don't think it's good you're holing up like you do. We're worried."

"Nothing to worry about, I have a lot of work to catch up on," said Donnie dismissively. 

"Yeah, I get that," Raph said uncomfortably. "But we miss you. We've not seen you in three days."

_ "Lots _ of work, Raph," Donnie stressed. "Don't know if you noticed, brother mine, but the Shredder destroyed all of my tech. _ All _ of it. The very Battle Shell I wore on my body. Even the _ microwave! _ I have _ nothing _ left."

"You have _ us_," Raph pleaded. 

"Yes well," said Donnie with a haughty sniff, "I don't see any of you helping so what's _ that _ worth?" 

"Hey now," said Raph, frowning. Even for Donnie's conceited standards, that was harsh. "If you asked, Mikey would help you weld, and I can carry stuff. And you always get unstuck once you bounce ideas off of Leo. I really think you should—" 

"Didn't I hear you acknowledge that you're _ not _ the smart one?" asked Don, finally swiveling his chair around to stare at Raph. His face was a venomous grimace. "Was that an out of character stroke of genius and you've already regressed, or have you simply forgotten? Now leave, and let me _ fix _ this."

Raph was startled into silence for a moment, breath stuck in his chest. Wow, that _ hurt_. 

"Not cool, Donnie," he said when he felt that he had composed himself somewhat. "I'm just trying to help—"

"Well you aren't! Save us both the annoyance and _go_ already. I have not _asked_ for your help so _stop_ _offering_."

"You _ literally _ just complained we're not helping though!" said Raph, trying _ very hard _ to not let annoyance creep into his voice. Didn't help anyone if _ both _ of them lost it now. He heaved a deep breath all the way into his tummy and exhaled it slowly. "Donnie... Look, I get that you're angry—"

Donnie exploded out of his chair. "I'm not—" he screamed, grabbing the glass on his table and throwing it, soda and all, onto the concrete floor where it shattered into thousand pieces, pulverized by the superhuman strength of a mutant teenage boy. "—_ angry_!"

Glass shard-mixed soda spilled all the way to Raph's toes. He had flinched back instinctively, hands raised a bit in defense. His expression was unguarded and soft at first, scared and concerned. But then his jaw set, and his open palms curled into fists. "Donnie," he said, voice steady and low. "We don't throw stuff. Apologize, _ now _."

"Fuck off, Raph!" snarled Donnie. "Just get your big fat _ dumb _ ass out of my lab and let—me—_work_!"

"No!" said Raph, anger creeping into his own voice but he had himself in check, he could control this. He had to, for Donnie. He took a step forward, fist unclenching into an accusatory finger point. "You're mad and irrational and I get it. But if you go back to work now you'll just make it worse. You need to _ sit down _ and relax for a second, and apologize to me!"

"I'm not _ irrational_, I'm _ perfectly _ calm, and if you stopped invading my space I could just go back to working." Donnie stalked toward him with a finger point of his own. "This is _ my _ lab, _ my _ space, that you invaded _ without _ my consent, if you don't leave, right now, I'll—"

"You'll _ what_?"

"I'll _ make _ you!"

"Bring it," sneered Raph. 

Donnie stared at him with fire in his eyes, but when he rose his hand to get to his arm piece, Raph lunged at him in a full body tackle and wrestled him to the floor. 

Donatello fought him, with kicks and bites and trying to scratch, irrational and wild, spewing poison the entire time. But Raph was stronger, and he held Donnie down with his entire weight until Donnie was pressed against the floor on his plastron, limbs flailing uselessly. 

"No no no _ no_!" yelled Donnie, pounding the floor with his fists. "Let me go, you big dumb brute!"

"Donnie, you need to come down from whatever trip you're on," said Raph, lying on top of his brother's shell to keep him smothered. "I'm gonna stay right here until you calm the fuck down."

Donnie kept screaming and spewing obscenities, but his voice started to crack, and soon his bandanna was dark with tears. "You suck, you suck, you _ suck_," he wailed, but the fight drained out of him. "You're stupid and dumb and you _ suck!_"

"Least I don't throw shit at my brothers," said Raph simply. 

Donnie beneath him hid his face in his hands and cried, loud and wailing; the way you do when you have no smidge of control left. 

Raph moved to sit up, pulling Donnie—malleable as putty now and still crying heavily—against himself in a tight hug. Donnie didn't reciprocate, face still buried in his hands and knees tightly drawn against his body, feet stapled, toes curled. All fight had left him, and Raph could feel his brother trusting him to carry his weight as he leaned against his plastron. 

Raph held him, chin leaned on his shoulder. Nobody said anything. Donnie's loud wailing ebbed away into gentler sobs, then soft hiccups, until nothing was left but congested breathing. 

They sat like that for a while. 

"Feel better?" asked Raph into the delicate silence. 

Donnie nodded. His face was smeared with tears and snot. "I don't know what happened," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"'s just natural to break down bad when you keep bottling stuff up for as long as you do," said Raph. "If you'd let yourself cry more often, it wouldn't always end in such a breakdown."

"Emotions _ suck_," said Donnie, with some trace anger still left in his voice. Now it was more directed at himself though, not so much outward. "They're dumb and stupid and _ dumb _."

"I mean, maybe," said Raph cordially, with a shrug that jostled his little brother in his arms. "_Having _ 'em don't make you dumb though."

"_Scoff_," muttered Donnie, petulant. "What do _ you _ know?"

"Hey. Watch it, I can hug you until you pop outta your shell." Raph jostled Donnie a little. "I dunno when you started thinking having feelings makes you worse somehow, but that's stupid. You're a turtle with feelings, deal with it. You always find a solution for everything, why's this one so hard for you?"

Donnie said nothing for a while. Raph didn't move, didn't let him go or went away, just sat and held him.

The soft sound of feet announced two brothers creeping up to the doorway of the lab. "Everything alright?" Leo asked in a small voice. Mikey was clinging to his arm. They looked worried and scared.

"Yeah, thanks Leo," said Raph. They were with their shells to their brothers, so Raph half-turned to smile at the two youngest reassuringly—or what he hoped would be that. "Don't worry, we're fine."

"Can we... help?" Mikey whispered.

"Nah," said Raph. "I got this. Thanks though." 

"Okay. Holler if you need us," said Leo, trusting his big brother to gauge the situation. "C'mon Mikey, let's see where Dad is." And they vanished from the entryway. Raph could hear Leo whisper to Mikey consolingly as they went. 

Donnie had started crying again; feeling awful for not being able to let his brothers near. Bearing Raph's understanding was one thing, looking at Leo's and Mikey's worried, sympathetic faces another entirely. 

Raph held him and didn't say anything. He wasn't super good with words anyway. 

"How do—how do you not freak out?" asked Donnie finally, whispering the question to his feet. "I'm so... fucking scared. I have nightmares now, where we fight Shredder again and again and each time, we lose. You're always so... so emotional, you always cry, how are you not freaking out? Why's it me?"

"Dude," said Raph. He eased the hug a little, and nudged Donnie so he turned around and sat, facing him, between his legs. Donnie looked miserable, but at least he made eye contact. "I _ am _ freaking out!" Raph told him earnestly. "The stuff we've been through, it's been crazy. I keep thinking that somehow we messed up, and that the Foot's totally up to something but we don't know _ what _ . For all his change of heart, I still think Pops is trying to protect us and doesn't tell us anything. It's _ terrifying_. Pretty sure I doubled like all my lifting records just because that's like, the only thing that keeps me sane right now."

Donnie looked dubious. "But you're so... so cool about it."

Raph shrugged a little. "Not really," he said. "But I talk about it when I get stuck in my head."

Donnie raised an eyebrow dubiously.

"Yeah," Raph insisted. "With Leo. Turns out he gives great advice."

Donnie was startled into a disbelieving laugh.

"He _ does _," Raph insisted. "I dunno what changed. I think he's really freaking out too, honestly. He came to me, actually, asking if I was alright, because he was sorry he was gone for so long when we had that fight. Asked me if I was holding up okay, and, I dunno, I think we talked until like 3AM or something. He listens, and he always knows what to say." 

Donnie looked a little stunned upon that admission, so Raph shrugged a little and added, "You still gotta sit through a hell of bad puns though."

"Huh", said Donnie, dumbfounded. 

"Maybe try that," Raph encouraged softly. "I'm great at hugging but I think Leo's a bit better at talking."

"No, you were right," said Donnie. "Everything you said was very true. I'm... God, I'm sorry I called you dumb, I didn't mean it, I was just..."

"Angry?" prompted Raph.

"Yeah." Donnie wiped at his face and then finally tugged his bandanna off his head. It was soaked through anyway. 

"Don't worry about it, I know what that feels like," said Raph. "It sucks."

"Yeah." Donnie rubbed his face. And then he held his arms up and slung them around Raph's neck, half sitting on his knees and half pulling his big brother down to him, and hugged him properly. Raph was more than happy to reciprocate, and Donnie all but sunk into the hug, the warmth, and the comforting smell of his brother. 

"It's gonna be okay, bro," said Raph, which was such an emotional, irrational, illogical thing to say considering that whole situation they'd found themselves in, but in that very moment, it was exactly what Donnie needed to hear. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my GOD i use way too many italics. i hope i got them all, but formatting for Ao3 is beyond my skill set.


End file.
